Sunday, October 9, 2011

Rants about Mormons

So, if you know me, you know I'm Mormon.
If you REALLY know me, you know Mormons seriously get on my nerves.
Here are some ways to make me want to stop going to church for a few months. (I told David today "I just need a 2 month break from all the MORMONS! I just want to go to church and be uplifted and not have to deal with any of the PEOPLE.")
I know that this may make me unpopular in some circles, but whatever. I've never cared about popularity anyways.

#1: Ward Parties

- Do NOT let your children take massive plates of food that we ALL KNOW are just going to get thrown away because they won't eat anything on it. Why? Because when the poor suckers who are doing all the WORK - ya know, the ones in the kitchen making the food and refilling your drinks, finally get around to eating, its not fun to have nothing and see all these plates full of food in the trash.
- Speaking of children - CONTROL THEM. A ward party is not a free-for-all for your kids to run a mock. This is like the swimming pool, people - keep your kids within arm's reach at all times. Yes, socalize with your adult friends, please do - but don't let your kids create messes that other people have to clean up.
- Cleaning up, oh boy. FREAKING DO IT, YOU GUYS. I don't care that you have kids. I don't care that its past their bedtime. I do care that of the past 2 years being in this ward, I have helped clean up at every single one while I know there are people who haven't helped once.
- Speaking of helping - you should be doing this. Helping includes the following things: coming early and setting up chairs. Bringing enough food to feed your family PLUS MORE PEOPLE. Potluck dosen't mean you get lucky food that is free. It means you bring enough to SHARE. Offering to fill up your own freaking water pitcher instead of coming to the kitchen and saying "This is empty". Offering to hold someone's baby when you are done eating so they can eat. Clearing plates off of tables. Serving food. Cleaning serving utinsils. Etc. Guys. A ward party is not meant to be a time you come and do nothing. Its something that everyone should participate in putting on. If someone asks you to be in charge of something - you do it. You don't give excuses. Everyone is busy. Do your part.
- And just for good measure - if you haven't ever been in charge of a ward function, please ask the Bishop to put you in charge. Why? Because it would be nice to sit down and eat my food at the table with the real adults once. Yes, I help at all the ward functions. Why? Because there is no one else doing it and it makes me feel guilty when the people in charge have no help. You could be that help instead of me. Also, its really hard to understand what its like to put it on until you do it. Its like being a server: You tip better if you've been there and done that. So be there and do that and then you will never wonder why I feel obligated to help again, and then EVERYONE will help and EVERYONE can have fun, instead of mostly everyone having fun and the people in charge getting stuck bitterly in the kitchen.

#2: Expecting things to be free

The following things are not/should not ever be free unless they are specifically offered to you with the DIRECT OFFER of having no payment attached. As in, the person doing the service should say "Oh, you aren't paying me for this." Just because we are in the same building for three hours once a week does NOT mean we are friends and does NOT mean I have an obligation to give you crap for free.

- Babysitting  (unless you are going to the temple, ovbs)
- Cakes, Cupcakes, or some other form or treat for a party/gathering/function
- Crafty things (think hemming pants for you, or making your kid birthday invites)
- Driving you to the airport (pay for their gas, people)
- Mowing your lawn, writing you a prescription/giving your kid a free physical when they are doctor, or giving you some other form or service (a construction worker fixing your house, a massage therapist giving you a massage, a piano player giving you lessons, etc etc etc)

If you do not have the money to pay for these things, a lot of times, its not a big deal because the person doesn't mind actually doing them for free. HOWEVER, you should NEVER assume and you should ALWAYS write the person a thank you card, or get them a gift card, or offer to trade them for some kind of service, or skill for these things.

Also, if you ask someone to do something, pay them for it. Its just tacky to ask someone to do something for you then say, oh yeah, and I want you to do it for free. DUH PEOPLE. DUH. Service is not something that you can ask people to do for you. Its something that people OFFER to do FOR you. And you can't choose what, when, why or how that service happens. Ever. End of story. (Once again, if someone offers something, it is not poor manners to take them up on it, but it is poor manners not to give a thank you card or something)

#3: Asking people personal things when you don't know them AT ALL

Stop doing this. Just stop it. I don't want you to know about the state of my uterus or when it will or will not be occupied. If I wanted you to know that, I would tell you. Don't ask me about it. And then you feel awkward when I say I don't want kids and then you say why. And then I tell you I have not even an inkling that I want a child at this point in my life and then you judge me for being married 3 years and not popping a kid out and quote some GA and then I hate you forever. So lets just be awesome and keep liking each other and not talk about it, k? This also goes for the following subjects:
- How often someone prays
- How much someone reads the scriptures
- How many times they go to the temple
- How much money they have in the bank
- How much money they make at their job
- How many kids they want to have
- What they think of Mitt Romney
- Gay Marriage
Guys, this is okay if you are friends with these people. This is okay if you are getting to know someone at a personal level and you aren't in a large group of people. Politics are okay to discuss in a group as long as you don't get too deep into it, and as long as you have an open mind to what someone is saying (which Mormons are notoriously horrible about doing. So better safe than sorry!). But seriously. Once again, I am going to stand by my statement that being in the same building for three hours a week doesn't mean we are BFFs. That is like saying that me and the CEO of my company are best friends because we are in the same builiding 40 hours a week. The man has said 5 words to me in 4 months - which is probably more than a lot of the people in our ward. And he would NEVER ask me about any of this crap. Stick to the stuff that you have in common - ie: Oh, how is your calling. How is your mother? Didn't you enjoy so and so's talk/lesson? If you want to get on a deeper level with someone, the foyer at church isn't the place to do it. Invite them over for dinner or a game night. Then you can BECOME friends and ask them ALL THESE KINDS OF QUESTIONS YOU WANT.

Okay, rant over. . . . FOR NOW. I'm sure I'll come up with more later.

The End.


aroots1 said...

This cracked me up!!! I thought only converts felt this way. Totally should be the topic of every 5th Sunday lesson to be rotated with "Knowing when to remove your screaming child", "What exactly is a Testimony",and the ever popular "What constitutes Home Teaching".

MychalandBethany said...

You.Are.Awesome. :-)

Net said...

Funny, as I'm reading through this in my head I hear your voice "saying" it. Makes it more fun.

Havalah said...

seriously, i agree with most of this stuff. Especially the free stuff; just because we believe in the same church doesn't mean free business among each other.