Thursday, November 6, 2008

Update

I am withdrawing from school. I know, I know, everyone thinks I’m stupid. Thank you for your unwanted and unsolicited advice about how this too shall pass. However, let me tell you a story about me.

My freshman year was the year from Hell. Then I went home for Spring term. Then I came back to Utah for Summer term, got engaged, was in school, and planned my wedding. I failed every single one of my classes last semester, partially because of a fall I had on some icy stairs which ended up putting me out of sitting for about 3 weeks. Partially, because I had stopped caring about going to class or making a passing grade. Why this lack of care? Well, there are many many ideas as to why it happens, but I would like to submit that it is part a chemical imbalance, and part not dealing with my freshman year atrocities. And part me just being a little crazy.

It is called depression. It is what I have.

The Psychiatrist I went and saw a year ago this week didn’t believe me. He said that it was probably temporary and handed me some little blue pills to make me feel better. They didn’t. They kept me from feeling anything. I didn’t even want David to kiss me anymore. The next pills were white, but not much better. He was treating symptoms when I needed problems solved. It was not a good situation.

My free BYU counselor is a whole lot better. From the first time I sat down, he knew that I had some deep seated issues which I had never dealt with. He knew that the way I talked about my problems didn’t mean they were unimportant to my mental health; it meant that I didn’t want to talk about the emotions lying underneath the surface. He asks me questions and doesn’t take my glossing over answers. He is helping me to deal with my freshman year. He is helping me heal some wounds that have been open for two years. I am so grateful that BYU offers this, because I would never be able to afford a counselor of this caliber any other way.

Anyways, back to me withdrawing. I haven’t been happy with my college experience well, ever. I have never found a class that I truly enjoy going to every single day, or had an assignment that I wish I could do again because it made me think or was so awesome. I think part of this is because of the depression. I think that if I had gotten that under control my freshman year that my life would be a lot lot different right now. But I didn’t. So I’m dealing with the consequences.
I haven’t gone to class more than 25% of the time this semester. I have taken all my tests, and did rather well, but have not done reading nor extra credit and have stopped taking all quizzes.
So, I’m withdrawing. And I don’t plan on ever going back to BYU. A degree in psychology isn’t going to help me do what I want to in my life. I don’t want a backup plan that isn’t a plan I ever want to follow. Maybe I’ll go to UVU in a year or two and take a few classes to get an associates in culinary arts. Maybe I’ll spend a billion dollars and go to the Art Institute and get my bachelors in Culinary Management. Maybe I’ll never go back to school and start my own cake business and be just fine. Who knows what I’ll do, but I feel like now I am no longer trapped. I have possibilities and choices and can make my life exactly as I want it.

This is the first time in a long time I have taken any action to do something that will help me in my future. I am so glad that I have such a wonderful husband who is behind me 100% of the time. He is so supportive not only of me, but of my happiness. He knows that when I am happy, I can succeed at anything. He knows that I won’t let him down, and has faith that our life together is going to be awesome. So do I.

So, here I am, a college drop-out.

Love me or leave me, its your choice. But please don’t try to tell me that you’ve been here. Because I bet you five bucks you haven’t. Not here, not where I am standing at this moment. Not torn between making my mom happy and living my life for me. Not dealing with things that should never have happened at “The Lord’s University”. Not newly married and dropping out of school.

I can finally tell you all that I am struggling with depression because I am no longer afraid of what people might think. (Actually, I’m terrified, but working on it) I am trying to turn over some new leaves, and this one, it was a big one, and hopefully will start my life on a path where I can get better and make strides towards becoming the person I know is still in me somewhere.

The end.

7 comments:

Christian and Vanessa said...

I'm not you, so of course I haven't been in your exact situation, but I dropped out of "The Lord's University" because of depression as well. It's something I've had since middle school so you'd think I could find a way to handle it, but apparently not.

Sigh.

Either way, I hope once you formally withdraw that things begin to improve for you, Sab. Good luck dear.

Cali said...

Did I mention that I love you, and you are awesome?

And if you need to, this sounds cliche, BUT, if you need to talk to me. I'm cool with that.

I haven't been in the exact same situation but it's been remarkably similar.

Annnnnd Ikea trip soon? I'm practically dying to go.

siovhan said...

I have nothing to offer you but love. Because, while I've never been where you are, I have great empathy for those who feel lost there. So Congrats on all your progress, I have incredible amounts of faith in you, your fire and your tenacity. I love you. Please, please call me if you ever just want to talk. I'm ALWAYS here.

Havalah said...

You go girl! I'm so proud of you. I wish I could be there and take you out to a spa or something, but I'm not. So from here in PA I'll pray for you and send you love. don't give up and heck go to culinary school; heck do want you really want to do and are good at, and we all know your dang good at cooking. Love ya and goodluck

Brittan said...

there's nothing more important than being happy. you only have no many days in this life, why not spend them doing what YOU want to do and finding happiness in your own way.

and i totally know what you mean about the pills. avoid the pills like the plague. *shudder*

Brittan said...

that was supposed to say SO many, not no many but it was kind of a funny slip....

Sally said...

Hang in there. And if it makes you feel any better about school, I have a degree and honestly don't think I can say there was any one class I loved every day; there certainly wasn't a single assignment I wanted to do again! (Do people honestly think that way?:) Take care, and congrats on the move! We aspire to a house someday... :D