Sunday, June 23, 2013

Things to do if you want me to punch you

1. Be late. PEOPLE OF THE PLANET - there is this thing that civilized people used called a CLOCK. You can find one on your phone, on many walls, occasionally on your wrist. . . it tells this thing called time. When someone says "be here at 2pm" That means that when the clock reads 2pm, you should be wherever you said would be. You don't get there at 2:30. You don't even get there at 2:10. Being late shows a severe lack of respect for the people that are waiting around for you, and I have little to no patience for it. AND: If you are going to be late you should do 2 things: 1 - inform the people you are meeting that you will be late (even if its 5 minutes late, shoot a quick text) and 2 - apologize for your lateness.

2. Act perfect. Ya'll - we all have issues. We all have problems. Sometimes someones voice makes you want to start throwing things. Sometimes you just don't want to do laundry so it sits for days. Sometimes you don't clean out your fridge and it stinks and then you find a month old tupperware full of mold. Sometimes you don't shave your legs. Whatever it is that you do that isn't societally acceptable, please let me know about it instead of hiding it. It will make me like you and not want to murder you. Stop being perfect. I know it isn't true. So stop pretending!

3. Act nice to my face but talk trash to my friends. You guys - I have awesome friends. They WILL tell me if you talk trash. So don't do it. Also a good idea to not really talk trash about anyone unless you really dislike them and you don't ever want to be nice to them - not even to their face. Also, if you do talk trash to me, just be rude to me. I hate fake people.

4. Give me a fake compliment - or a putdown in the form of a compliment. "You cakes have gotten so much better" is code for : Your cakes used to suck! So just say something like: You cakes are awesome! This goes for pretty much everything. Don't say - you've lost so much weight! Say : You are so skinny! That way you aren't referring to the past, when the person was a bit heftier. Didn't anyone ever teach you how to compliment! For realzies.

5. Be Self Righteous - But don't "realize" it. No but seriously. You know if you are a self-rightous jerk because you think you are better than other people. If you think you are better than other people you are self-rightous. Its fine by me if you are self-rightous as long as you can admit it instead of acting like you actually ARE better than people. Nope. You aren't above me. You aren't better than my friends. Shhhh.

Seriously, people lately have been purposefully trying to make me angry. So I got it all out on this rant.

Blog = cheaper than therapy.

The End.

No comments: