There is so much in this life that we just cannot understand or explain. So many things that just don't add up. You studied for 17 hours for a test and still didn't pass.You worked really hard and are still in debt up to your eyeballs. You did everything you could and still have a failed marriage. You never smoked and yet got lung cancer. You went to school and can't find a good job. You eat right and exercise and you still don't have to body you want. You have a great life and are happy, and yet you are depressed.
It is this last one I want to talk about today. Because it is that one that is basically ruling my life right now.
So, when we first got married, I went though this massive 8 month period of intense depression. I had crazy insomnia, I was eating everything in sight, and I cried every day (not in front of David, of course). I'm not really sure why it started. Looking back, I do know it was building for almost half of the time we were engaged. And I know that there wasn't one event that triggered it. I know it wasn't David's fault. I just know that I was depressed so very very much that first bit of our marriage. Which is why I will tell everyone that our marriage SUCKED that first year. It wasn't so much that we fought (we did, but about dumb things like naming our kids George) or that we didn't get a long, it was that I was so incredibly depressed that I had trouble getting out of bed for more than 4 hours a day. David likes to reminisce about how clean the house was back then, but it was because I would just stay in bed, in my little nest of blankets and covers and read blogs or books and avoid anything having to do with the responsibilities that I had. I tried some medication (thumbs down), I tried some therapy, and while therapy helped a bit, I don't really think talking to someone a handful of times is what made me feel better. In fact, I can't pinpoint a reason at all. All I know is that one day, I was driving home from work and the sky looked blue again and I could feel how happy my favorite songs on the radio made me feel again. And every day felt better and better. I would have days here and there of the sadness coming back, of the feeling of overwhelming tiredness or just the general foggy feeling, but it hasn't ever been as bad as it was those first 8 months we were married.
Until now.
I am back to this place. And I have no idea what got me here. I have figured out what foods make my body feel awful and avoid them for the most part. I have started to exercise and feel the strength of my body again. I have gone on great trips with my husband. I have a great group of really good friends - the best I have ever had, in fact. And I am at the best place in my marriage I think I have ever been. I don't really understand what is going on or why, I just know I feel like my chest is caving in and all I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep, but I can't fall asleep and I just am so tired. And yet I am doing all the right things. I am eating right. I am exercising. I am interacting with friends. I find purpose in my work life. I am doing everything everyone says you should do to "beat" depression and yet here it sits, my constant companion, nagging me to just put on my PJs and snuggle my dog on the couch. It just doesn't add it. And at least this time, I have the self awareness and the experience to know that this is what it is - that it isn't that I don't love David or that I am not happy with my life, it is depression.
I have been weepy a lot. I have been feeling, aching, needing to not be alone. So I go over to friends houses and stay too late. I creepily look though old pictures of me and David. I have been reading books with friendship and romance at the center of the plot lines. I have been laughing and smiling and generally trying to make my way though these once-charted waters that are slowly, but surely, drowning me. But I know I can make it this time. I have done it before. I have swam though the water and made it out alive.
Lets just hope it doesn't take as long this time.
1 comment:
Oh, friend, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I was there to have you over late into the night. I know depression well, and I have been experiencing its upswing, anxiety, the last three months and can confirm that it's not much better. I don't know why some people have to deal with these things. I know that often they are hormone related. My doctor suspects that's what's up with me. But that doesn't make it any easier when you're in the midst of it, does it? I hope it passes soon. I hope you feel better. I know that depression can make you feel very alone, but you're not alone. You have friends who understand. That doesn't help much right now, but when you're on the other side of it, it's comforting to know that it wasn't just you. It's just one of those unfair things beyond your control. I love you. Feel better. <3
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