Tuesday, April 21, 2015

The things they don't tell you

So, lately, I have been questioning everything about my life. It has led me to some really interesting conclusions and some really good discussions with friends that are more honest and refreshing than I can remember having in years. It has also led me to understand SO much more about so many more people who I used to judge harshly and have so much more compassion.

I have never been good at compassion. Anyone can tell you that who knows me well. And while I still think idiots are idiots, I try to not be as strongly worded with my judgements of those around me, and try to think about where they might be coming from or going thru to act the way that they do. It blows my mind that I was stuck in such an incredibly small view of right and wrong and good and bad for such a long time - I think it was because since I went to BYU, almost everyone I have been friends with or hung out with has been Mormon. Since we moved to Dallas and I started my job at the restaurant, I have been hanging out with a lot of different people and it is awesome to see that people are happy - really, truly happy - outside my small box of what I have always thought life should look like to be happy. It has helped me appreciate the things in my life that I might not think are perfect, but are still pretty great things.

I had almost forgotten what it was like to have discussions with people and have to explain where my basic principles or morals come from - and I certainly don't remember ever having my basis of belief challenged. It is so good for me, I think, to be able to look outside myself and question if those base beliefs that I have just accepted for my entire life actually work for ME. Personally. And I have been surprised at what I actually know is true and what I only hope is true.

In the LDS church, you hear "I know the church is true" over and over and over again. It has always made me uncomfortable - the amount people claim to know. I have never felt like I have known much of anything, but I have had a whole lot of hope. It is easy to feel different or wrong when you don't have the same knowledge as everyone else - it is easy to feel stupid or not good enough when you hear that if you pray, you will know one specific answer. What happens when you don't get that answer? It means you aren't good enough. So my lack of knowledge, but plethora of faith and hope was actually something that was negative about my personality.

I have decided that I am not the broken one. My hope and faith - the fact that I still am a good person and try to do good to those around me despite not KNOWING anything - makes me who I am, and doesn't mean that I am not worthy or good enough. It actually means that I am stronger than most people - that I have to take this life and use it as good as I possibly can because I don't KNOW that I will have anything after I die - that this life is all that I KNOW I have. And while some people may think that this is sad, the lack of knowledge of where I will end up or go when I die has been liberating. I don't feel like I am waiting - I am doing now what I want to do and being who I want to be without pretenses. It is so nice to be done trying to fit some mould that I felt like I had to fit in to be happy because I am happy right now with who I am and where I am!

This post probably doesn't make any sense to anyone else but it doesn't matter. I just feel really great right now and it is nice. And I just wanted to write it down so I can remember it.

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