Did you forget?
No, I didn't forget. I just have the muscle memory to type the password that was my password for years and years.
I am struggling so much right now. SO MUCH. With so many things. Which is silly because my life is so great right now. I have a job. I have a paying hobby. I have a husband who puts up with me. I have great friends. We have enough money for all our needs and some of our wants. But internally, I am struggling. Hard.
Someone, a few months ago, said something to me that has seriously made me want to crawl out of my skin, something about my personality, something about who I am as a person, and I have thought about it every day since. That something?
"Don't you believe in progression?"
This was said after they mentioned I hadn't changed at all since the last time they had seen me. What am I supposed to think other than,with the very limited amount of time they spent speaking to me before this moment, that they had judged me and thought that I hadn't progressed in that time? It has bothered me SO SO SO SO SO much. I can't even tell you the amount of bugged I have been. I have asked a bunch of people for advice about it. All of my friends have told me about the amount of maturity I have gained. About how obviously this person doesn't know anything. How I need to let it go. How I think now before I talk. How I am a better listener. How I am less in your face. How I have mellowed. My own Husband has reaffarimed that I have grown in so many areas of my life that only he could see. I feel different than I did a few years ago. I feel better and stronger. I feel closer to my friends and closer to who I want to be. And yet.
And yet this comment has slowly but surely made me want to shout from the rooftops that I don't have to change to progress. I don't have have a different personality. I don't have to speak differently, or write differently, or read differently. Just because I still don't read my scriptures every day doesn't mean that I'm not closer to understanding how my spirit is connected to those around me or why I am here on this earth. Just because I am still awkward in group situations and tend to talk myself into a corner and proceed to dig a hole with all the incredibly offensive things I happen to say to just the wrong people doesn't mean that I haven't gotten better at caring for others feelings or trying to consider what I say before I say it. Just because I still do blog rants doesn't mean that I rant over every little thing. The reason why there are such long times between posts is because there is SO MUCH I want to say that I can't because I am afraid of offending someone. You know my posts that are stupid and vapid? They are when I want to write posts like this but I can't. Because every time I write a dang post like this someone gets angry at me. Or mad at me. Or whatever.
I am just struggling, guys. If someone who has known me for so long judges me so harshly, then how do I have a chance with my new friends? Or with anyone at all for that matter? Is who I am, was, and will be such a bad person that I NEED to change? I understand striving to be more Christ-like or more humble, faithful, educated, stylish, etc, but just because I am not perfect in all these areas, does it mean I am a bad person?
I just didn't know that one comment could HAUNT me in such a huge an intense way.